StoryOfMyLife
Grizzly Bear.
Yes this guy, that’s the nickname I had for him. That’s who I’ve been tripping over, complaining about, confused about. Just everything.
I remember back in Janurary when we first started talking on BBM. Then one night we were on msn, and you got me to go on webcam with you. Surprisingly I did it. You gave me a good vibe, so I went with it. We stayed up all night making jokes and doing other stuff. Within that night, you made me feel so comfortable. I’ve never been this way with a guy before. You made me feel that being who I am, and how I looked was fine, that there was nothing wrong with that. From then, feelings started to grow.
You told me the sweetest things that I savoured like candy. I’ll never forget them. You said I was your girl, your wife.. your life. I never meant so much to someone before. Of course I felt the same way about you. I knew, you were the one.
I remember back in Feburary, I was going through some things with my parents. And it came to a point where I didn’t have any communication with you. You inboxed me and said. ‘Baba, you came off of msn, and now I have no communication with you. Don’t leave your house for something light, it’s not worth it. Ily<3.’ It wasn’t a lot, but it meant a lot.
Towards the end of Feburary, things changed. You started being distant. You weren’t talking much. I thought maybe it was me or something I did. What if he grew tired of me already? So much going through my mind. All I got to figure out was that something happened between you and you’re mom and you were leaving for the night. I was worried about you. You still never said a word. Your boy gave me your number and I finally called you up. Your first response was when you found out it was me was ‘Oh fuck, I’ll call you back just now.’ When you did, you had your other boy on the phone too. You were going to his base for the night. He asked if we liked each other and we both said yes. Didn’t see what the problem was. Previous to the phone call, through your boys account you said you missed me and that you were sorry for not talking to me. I cried, but of course I forgave you.
Then I found out the truth. Although you might have said you liked me, you went running back to this girl, who I personally thought was a slut because of the way she got around. You claim she’s your first love. When you always said the same about a different girl. But throughout the end of Feburary, towards March, we didn’t talk. You talked to my girlie all the time through my phone. It killed me that not once, you’d send a message meant for me.
March Break. I got into a relationship with someone. It was quick, but I wasn’t thinking at the time. But you were done with me, so I might as well be done with you right? Anyways, we started going out on the 15th I believe. Then he left for vacation for a week or two. That same weekend after we got together, you messaged me.
March 18th. I can’t excatly remember how it began. But I damn right remember how it ended. We webcammed, only cause I love to see you. You kept tiring to make me smile, bring the old Kelly back. I think you were trying to bring us back. Eventually, you told me how much you loved me. How you were IN love with me, that you cried because you had to let me go. That someday in the future you hope to get a chance to be with me again. And I’d get to be Mrs. H. Everything I wanted to hear. But at the wrong time. You were with her, I was with him. That didn’t last for long.
I had typed up something for you, but was sending it to my best friends inbox for her to read it. That moment, I accidently sent it to my boyfriend. He became furious, and didn’t talk to me. Refused to reply to me as he tried to enjoy he’s last days on vacation. Finally he messaged back, and broke up with me. I deserved it. But at that sametime. Everything you told me was bullshit. You said you lead me on. Which I assumed from the beginning. You denied it. Then we stopped talking again.
We kept trying these fresh starts and fighting again. Then by April, things were working out again. I think it was April 18th or 19th we starting flexing. The first time we took a step further into our relationship. You called me undercover wifey. Lol, just to keep it between you and me and see how things go. But sadly things didn’t last.
You had pictures of me on your harddrive. Until your ex friend stole it from you. Or you gave it to him to fix. Anyways, he went through all your shit, even the folder you had labelled school. That containing the pictures of me. He threatened to send it to everyone, only because, you sent out the video of his girlfriend.
But thankfully he didn’t. After I said I’d kill myself if it ever got out, you kept reassuring me that you’ll fix things. Which you did. But then the next day, our little flex ended. For reasons I don’t even remember. Things were good until April 25th.. Then two days later was my birthday.. You didn’t even remember. I had to tell you myself.
From there on out, things continued to be a mess. We continously deleted and added each other from everything. Immature right? But guess what? I never left your side. Even when I tried to leave, I couldn’t, I just couldn’t do it. That’s how I knew, it’d take awhile before I could get over you. We’d fight, and make up three days later. And I mean literally, three days later. You’d send me songs like “No Letting Go”, but you wouldn’t say anything, the songs you’d sent me was enough. And that was it, the fact that all the songs you sent me or the ones you remixed were loved songs, and the lyrics would speak us. We fought over stupid things, and far more serious things. But in a way we never left each other. Even if we were just friends. And even you agreed, even though it was months later that you told me this, but you said “of course I love you, you’re always there for me no matter what..” back when you were in New York and realized you had no one.. Except me.
Over these long 9 months, you’ve tricked me, lied to me, led me on, and cussed me. You got depressed, I got depressed. We both pretended to be happy without each other.
One day you woke up and said “I Love You.” I think my heart skipped a few beats and I felt like I couldn’t breathe, mind you I was in a grocery store. But to only find out you were joking with me. Who does that? Since when was love ever a joke? Anyways, you went out telling me how you felt about your first love. And what did I do? I laid on my bathroom floor crying my eyes out.
I never knew something, someone so good, could hurt me so bad. Sometimes I’d swear I could literally feel my heart aching. Endless and sleepless nights of crying myself to sleep. Ontop of all of that, I had family problems, drinking problems, and smoking weed far too often, as well as my grades were dropping… lower than ever. But I wasn’t the only one going through things too. You were too, and sometimes I was the reason for them.
Our best friend, he knew everything. He knew how I felt, and how you did. He knew that it’s obvious we had feelings for each other, despite how you treat me and how I trouble you.
Eventually, I was telling him everything you were doing to me. He got sick of it and eventually told you off. But thing is too, you knew that he didn’t like what you were doing and thought you were an ass because of it. The only reason you knew that, is because you’d go on my Facebook and read the inboxes between me and him. It’s like you were pissing yourself off. Anyways, you ended up losing you brother, your best friend. Why? Because of me. Your friend thinks otherwise but, I know I’m too blame.
You cussed me like never before. You started taking out your anger on everything. You punched a mirror and had a bloody fist? Not sure about that one. But it was obvious I came between you and your bro. I had to be the one to fix it. I tried. But it was no use. Funny thing is, you still talked to me…
It wasn’t until your birthday that things finally started working out… Between you and your bro. Then we’d just stop talking. It was complicated.
After continous mix up, I said I’d had enough. You were showing no sign of how you felt. I couldn’t take the useless fighting anymore. So I moved on. And we were still friends. I met someone. The first day that I moved on, we had a BLAST talking to each other. It had been awhile since we had a conversation about that. Everything seemed to be good. Then the next day, boom. You were acting different.
I found out that you were depressed. Anytime your bro would bring me up, you wouldn’t want to talk about it, or act as if it’s okay. But me and him both knew, I was part of the reason why.
So I tried to get you back. Things with that other guy.. I could tell it wouldn’t workout. So I came back to you once again. You said I changed. I tried telling you I could change back, with your help. If I’m worth it, I’ll do what it takes. You said it was too late. You had moved on too. I faded your feelings. You didn’t want to give us another chance, because you didn’t feel it and you didn’t want to hurt me.
I lost you. Things were different. Our conversations were awkward. So many times we had the chance to meet. But it’s like no matter how we tried, we didn’t get to see each other in person. Ever. Yeah that’s right. We never met. Not once touch. But you definitely touched my heart like no other.
You went on vacation a few weeks ago. I missed you like crazy. It’s hard not talking to you. Everyone tells me to move on. But I can’t. You came back, messaged me like everything was fine even though you left without a word. I thought maybe things can change. But it didn’t.
There were a few times where I thought things were getting better. But now there worse than ever. We don’t talk. Our conversations last 5 minutes. I don’t understand how it became this way. You never acknowledge my feelings whenever I tried to tell you. Now it’s like we’re strangers. You don’t message or BBM me anymore. Nothing. It breaks my heart to know how this is how things end. When I’ve dreamt of marrying you, having kids with you. You knew I’d even give up my virginity to you.
Now nothing. Not a word being said. Last time we actually talked. You were empty, you felt like part of you was missing. It’s exactly how I feel. I still cry sometimes at night. I still read back those good times. Those songs always remind me of you. I still think of ways things could work, but then I laugh to myself because it’s so far fetched. It just won’t work. I can’t make you love me again. I feel hopeless, like there’s nothing I can do. Up till now, I still feel like no one can understand why I just can’t move on. You were the first person I ever felt this way about. I’m not sure if it’s love. But I know it’s something.
Like you once said. “We’ll always have feelings for each other.” I believe that. Because wether I’m with someone else, or you are, we will always share something. TrulyMadlyDeeply.
3 months later and so much has went on. The most I can remember is when you said you wanted nothing to do with me and left for New York. But you realized there was no one else there for you. But me, I still showed you that I’ll always be there for you. Not just cause I love you, but because I care.
We’ve come to establish that we trust each other completely. We’re more than comfortable with each other again. Or maybe it’s because I’m vunerable when it comes to you. But due to this, you agreed to stop being an ass and that all the stupid things we fight about would come to an end. So far so good. But after one night of talking like old times, after that it’s like you hardly want to talk. I’m still so confused. You say you love someone else now, but what’s going on with us?!
We’ve somehow created this friendship for ourselves. Where sometimes, we act like a couple and at other times we’d listen to each other like friends would. I still cry, I still hurt, I still love you, I still miss how everything used to be. Atleast, I got to hold you in my arms for day, kiss you for an hour, and stare into your eyes for a minute. (November 25th) I’ll never forget nor can I let it go.. you can. But maybe that’s because in that moment, you were just getting what you wanted… I was fulfilling a wish. We’re currently not talking, because we got into a fight & don’t have much contact with each other. Lol, somethings never change eh? But yet, in the matter of a few days, you’re the one making sure I’m smiling.
It’s crazy how a year and 2 months later, everything is just like a cycle. Compare last March to this March? You moved on, had another girl.. And here I am, suffering. So many times I’ve pushed you away and came back. Haven’t you realized that I just can’t let you go?! I fucked up with other guys because of how I feel about you.
Yes this guy, that’s the nickname I had for him. That’s who I’ve been tripping over, complaining about, confused about. Just everything.
I remember back in Janurary when we first started talking on BBM. Then one night we were on msn, and you got me to go on webcam with you. Surprisingly I did it. You gave me a good vibe, so I went with it. We stayed up all night making jokes and doing other stuff. Within that night, you made me feel so comfortable. I’ve never been this way with a guy before. You made me feel that being who I am, and how I looked was fine, that there was nothing wrong with that. From then, feelings started to grow.
You told me the sweetest things that I savoured like candy. I’ll never forget them. You said I was your girl, your wife.. your life. I never meant so much to someone before. Of course I felt the same way about you. I knew, you were the one.
I remember back in Feburary, I was going through some things with my parents. And it came to a point where I didn’t have any communication with you. You inboxed me and said. ‘Baba, you came off of msn, and now I have no communication with you. Don’t leave your house for something light, it’s not worth it. Ily<3.’ It wasn’t a lot, but it meant a lot.
Towards the end of Feburary, things changed. You started being distant. You weren’t talking much. I thought maybe it was me or something I did. What if he grew tired of me already? So much going through my mind. All I got to figure out was that something happened between you and you’re mom and you were leaving for the night. I was worried about you. You still never said a word. Your boy gave me your number and I finally called you up. Your first response was when you found out it was me was ‘Oh fuck, I’ll call you back just now.’ When you did, you had your other boy on the phone too. You were going to his base for the night. He asked if we liked each other and we both said yes. Didn’t see what the problem was. Previous to the phone call, through your boys account you said you missed me and that you were sorry for not talking to me. I cried, but of course I forgave you.
Then I found out the truth. Although you might have said you liked me, you went running back to this girl, who I personally thought was a slut because of the way she got around. You claim she’s your first love. When you always said the same about a different girl. But throughout the end of Feburary, towards March, we didn’t talk. You talked to my girlie all the time through my phone. It killed me that not once, you’d send a message meant for me.
March Break. I got into a relationship with someone. It was quick, but I wasn’t thinking at the time. But you were done with me, so I might as well be done with you right? Anyways, we started going out on the 15th I believe. Then he left for vacation for a week or two. That same weekend after we got together, you messaged me.
March 18th. I can’t excatly remember how it began. But I damn right remember how it ended. We webcammed, only cause I love to see you. You kept tiring to make me smile, bring the old Kelly back. I think you were trying to bring us back. Eventually, you told me how much you loved me. How you were IN love with me, that you cried because you had to let me go. That someday in the future you hope to get a chance to be with me again. And I’d get to be Mrs. H. Everything I wanted to hear. But at the wrong time. You were with her, I was with him. That didn’t last for long.
I had typed up something for you, but was sending it to my best friends inbox for her to read it. That moment, I accidently sent it to my boyfriend. He became furious, and didn’t talk to me. Refused to reply to me as he tried to enjoy he’s last days on vacation. Finally he messaged back, and broke up with me. I deserved it. But at that sametime. Everything you told me was bullshit. You said you lead me on. Which I assumed from the beginning. You denied it. Then we stopped talking again.
We kept trying these fresh starts and fighting again. Then by April, things were working out again. I think it was April 18th or 19th we starting flexing. The first time we took a step further into our relationship. You called me undercover wifey. Lol, just to keep it between you and me and see how things go. But sadly things didn’t last.
You had pictures of me on your harddrive. Until your ex friend stole it from you. Or you gave it to him to fix. Anyways, he went through all your shit, even the folder you had labelled school. That containing the pictures of me. He threatened to send it to everyone, only because, you sent out the video of his girlfriend.
But thankfully he didn’t. After I said I’d kill myself if it ever got out, you kept reassuring me that you’ll fix things. Which you did. But then the next day, our little flex ended. For reasons I don’t even remember. Things were good until April 25th.. Then two days later was my birthday.. You didn’t even remember. I had to tell you myself.
From there on out, things continued to be a mess. We continously deleted and added each other from everything. Immature right? But guess what? I never left your side. Even when I tried to leave, I couldn’t, I just couldn’t do it. That’s how I knew, it’d take awhile before I could get over you. We’d fight, and make up three days later. And I mean literally, three days later. You’d send me songs like “No Letting Go”, but you wouldn’t say anything, the songs you’d sent me was enough. And that was it, the fact that all the songs you sent me or the ones you remixed were loved songs, and the lyrics would speak us. We fought over stupid things, and far more serious things. But in a way we never left each other. Even if we were just friends. And even you agreed, even though it was months later that you told me this, but you said “of course I love you, you’re always there for me no matter what..” back when you were in New York and realized you had no one.. Except me.
Over these long 9 months, you’ve tricked me, lied to me, led me on, and cussed me. You got depressed, I got depressed. We both pretended to be happy without each other.
One day you woke up and said “I Love You.” I think my heart skipped a few beats and I felt like I couldn’t breathe, mind you I was in a grocery store. But to only find out you were joking with me. Who does that? Since when was love ever a joke? Anyways, you went out telling me how you felt about your first love. And what did I do? I laid on my bathroom floor crying my eyes out.
I never knew something, someone so good, could hurt me so bad. Sometimes I’d swear I could literally feel my heart aching. Endless and sleepless nights of crying myself to sleep. Ontop of all of that, I had family problems, drinking problems, and smoking weed far too often, as well as my grades were dropping… lower than ever. But I wasn’t the only one going through things too. You were too, and sometimes I was the reason for them.
Our best friend, he knew everything. He knew how I felt, and how you did. He knew that it’s obvious we had feelings for each other, despite how you treat me and how I trouble you.
Eventually, I was telling him everything you were doing to me. He got sick of it and eventually told you off. But thing is too, you knew that he didn’t like what you were doing and thought you were an ass because of it. The only reason you knew that, is because you’d go on my Facebook and read the inboxes between me and him. It’s like you were pissing yourself off. Anyways, you ended up losing you brother, your best friend. Why? Because of me. Your friend thinks otherwise but, I know I’m too blame.
You cussed me like never before. You started taking out your anger on everything. You punched a mirror and had a bloody fist? Not sure about that one. But it was obvious I came between you and your bro. I had to be the one to fix it. I tried. But it was no use. Funny thing is, you still talked to me…
It wasn’t until your birthday that things finally started working out… Between you and your bro. Then we’d just stop talking. It was complicated.
After continous mix up, I said I’d had enough. You were showing no sign of how you felt. I couldn’t take the useless fighting anymore. So I moved on. And we were still friends. I met someone. The first day that I moved on, we had a BLAST talking to each other. It had been awhile since we had a conversation about that. Everything seemed to be good. Then the next day, boom. You were acting different.
I found out that you were depressed. Anytime your bro would bring me up, you wouldn’t want to talk about it, or act as if it’s okay. But me and him both knew, I was part of the reason why.
So I tried to get you back. Things with that other guy.. I could tell it wouldn’t workout. So I came back to you once again. You said I changed. I tried telling you I could change back, with your help. If I’m worth it, I’ll do what it takes. You said it was too late. You had moved on too. I faded your feelings. You didn’t want to give us another chance, because you didn’t feel it and you didn’t want to hurt me.
I lost you. Things were different. Our conversations were awkward. So many times we had the chance to meet. But it’s like no matter how we tried, we didn’t get to see each other in person. Ever. Yeah that’s right. We never met. Not once touch. But you definitely touched my heart like no other.
You went on vacation a few weeks ago. I missed you like crazy. It’s hard not talking to you. Everyone tells me to move on. But I can’t. You came back, messaged me like everything was fine even though you left without a word. I thought maybe things can change. But it didn’t.
There were a few times where I thought things were getting better. But now there worse than ever. We don’t talk. Our conversations last 5 minutes. I don’t understand how it became this way. You never acknowledge my feelings whenever I tried to tell you. Now it’s like we’re strangers. You don’t message or BBM me anymore. Nothing. It breaks my heart to know how this is how things end. When I’ve dreamt of marrying you, having kids with you. You knew I’d even give up my virginity to you.
Now nothing. Not a word being said. Last time we actually talked. You were empty, you felt like part of you was missing. It’s exactly how I feel. I still cry sometimes at night. I still read back those good times. Those songs always remind me of you. I still think of ways things could work, but then I laugh to myself because it’s so far fetched. It just won’t work. I can’t make you love me again. I feel hopeless, like there’s nothing I can do. Up till now, I still feel like no one can understand why I just can’t move on. You were the first person I ever felt this way about. I’m not sure if it’s love. But I know it’s something.
Like you once said. “We’ll always have feelings for each other.” I believe that. Because wether I’m with someone else, or you are, we will always share something. TrulyMadlyDeeply.
3 months later and so much has went on. The most I can remember is when you said you wanted nothing to do with me and left for New York. But you realized there was no one else there for you. But me, I still showed you that I’ll always be there for you. Not just cause I love you, but because I care.
We’ve come to establish that we trust each other completely. We’re more than comfortable with each other again. Or maybe it’s because I’m vunerable when it comes to you. But due to this, you agreed to stop being an ass and that all the stupid things we fight about would come to an end. So far so good. But after one night of talking like old times, after that it’s like you hardly want to talk. I’m still so confused. You say you love someone else now, but what’s going on with us?!
We’ve somehow created this friendship for ourselves. Where sometimes, we act like a couple and at other times we’d listen to each other like friends would. I still cry, I still hurt, I still love you, I still miss how everything used to be. Atleast, I got to hold you in my arms for day, kiss you for an hour, and stare into your eyes for a minute. (November 25th) I’ll never forget nor can I let it go.. you can. But maybe that’s because in that moment, you were just getting what you wanted… I was fulfilling a wish. We’re currently not talking, because we got into a fight & don’t have much contact with each other. Lol, somethings never change eh? But yet, in the matter of a few days, you’re the one making sure I’m smiling.
It’s crazy how a year and 2 months later, everything is just like a cycle. Compare last March to this March? You moved on, had another girl.. And here I am, suffering. So many times I’ve pushed you away and came back. Haven’t you realized that I just can’t let you go?! I fucked up with other guys because of how I feel about you.
